In Between

I wrote this in college – I had chosen to attend Art school out of state and would hang back in my hometown of Wheaton and work and save up in the meantime while taking classes at the junior college. My life was slinging drinks at Starbucks, working at a restaurant and the dark room. You can probably see I had a love/hate relationship with the conservative town but that I was sort of optimistic about having the alone time and creating the life I wanted.

I am often in awe of this beautiful season and seem to have missed the past few years. I walk along the sidewalks of downtown. Streets i seemed to vaguely remember as a child, streets I selfishly refused to notice as a teenager. People have entered, escaped, and remained as the world goes round. It’s the kind of place I like to return to when i have been away; there’s a way of practical and organized function that I crave. There’s security in knowing that I am rooted and supported while I build the life I’m headed for. Though it’s a conservative town and lacks a variety of thoughtful people, it is what I need. And still, I have found a few sincere souls I know enough about to understand that we are all travelers.

I am new to this world I live in now, not the physical place, but the state of being, the route and path of heading somewhere, knowing that there is something still to be found in the world. And the unspoken fact is that no one knows what they are looking for; they are simply looking. I try to hide my hungry eyes. So that people can’t tell that I am searching for one true thing. I have been told plenty of times that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that that is a bad thing, and that I should be more protective of myself. But I don’t know how else to live.

I am an artist. I love that. It’s truly a thing of exploration, honesty, and joy in the journey, with mistakes included. It’s even rewarded by wisdom. I am blessed by love and even lack love, and I am delighted in music and spontaneity, which are included in all the awkward parts of life. As an artist, I can go right because there are no rules. It gives you freedom just to be and the opportunity to find yourself. It makes me, me. For now, I am learning and embracing what I can of my passion in this limiting town of in-between.